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I’m frequently asked if a certain widower behavior, like always talking about his late wife or having photos all over the house, is a red flag that the widower isn’t ready to move forward. Often, these answers aren’t black and white, and much depends on the specific situation and what, if anything, the widower is doing to correct the problem. The purpose of this chapter isn’t to go over every possible circumstance you might find yourself in, but to identify the five specific red flags that usually indicate the widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship. If he exhibits any of these red flags, it’s more than likely he’s not ready to open his heart to you.
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Red Flag #1: The Widower Hides You from Family and Friends
Most widowers start dating long before their children, close friends, and family are ready to see them with other women. Because widowers think their loved ones won’t support or understand their decision to date again (a decision the widowers themselves often can’t explain), they often keep their dating and relationships a secret for as long as possible.
It’s normal to be concerned about telling family and friends. These conversations are never easy, and it’s difficult to predict how others will react to this news. But widowers who are ready to open their hearts again will find the strength and courage to do it. Not telling others about your relationship becomes a red flag when widowers continually make excuses as to why it hasn’t happened yet. You’ll know it’s a red flag because you’ll feel like a mistress or a secret girlfriend.
Never tolerate being treated like some dirty little secret. When a widower hides you and your relationship from others, what he’s really saying is that he values the feelings of his loved ones more than he values you. Remember, men express their true feelings through their actions. When he intentionally hides you, keeps you from meeting loved ones, or purposely excludes you from family activities and get-togethers, what he’s really saying is that you’re not that important.
Over the years, I’ve talked with women who were literally asked to hide in a closet or wait quietly in another room when a widower’s friends or family stopped by unannounced. Other times, they were introduced as “just a friend” to the widower’s acquaintances. Some widowers refuse to eat at certain restaurants, shop at specific stores, or visit parts of town with their new girlfriends because they’re worried about running into someone they know. Other widowers plan dates or secret rendezvous only when they don’t interfere with planned family gatherings.
Widowers who are serious about opening their hearts will make introductions—no matter how difficult those announcements or meetings may be. The hardest conversation I had after dating again was telling Krista’s brother and grandmother that I was in a serious relationship with Julianna. I knew they were still grieving, and it would be difficult for them to know that just seven months after their granddaughter and sister’s death, I was in love again. Still, it was a conversation that needed to happen. Krista’s brother and grandmother were a big part of my life for seven years, and I knew it would hurt them even more to learn about my relationship with Julianna from someone else.
The more hesitant widowers are to tell others about the women they’re dating, the greater their internal doubts are about the relationship. Those who are confident about their feelings will have these conversations. For example, when Jennifer came to visit me for the first time, I waited until the last possible minute to tell my family she was coming. I only told them about Jennifer because I lived down the street from my parents, and there was no way I could hide the fact that I had a visitor. At the time, I rationalized my actions by telling myself I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of loved ones who were still grieving. However, when I became serious with Julianna a few months later, I never hid her or our relationship from anyone. In fact, I relished opportunities to introduce Julianna to everyone I knew. This change took place because I had no doubts about my feelings for Julianna. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and in order to do that, I had to integrate her into all aspects of my life.
By now, some of you are wondering when the widower should introduce you to friends and family. With close family members, it should happen soon after becoming exclusive. In cases where he’s worried about a negative reaction, it might be better for him to inform those he loves that he’s in an exclusive relationship before making face-to-face introductions. If introducing you in person isn’t practical or realistic, at the very least, the widower should let them know he’s in a committed relationship and who it’s with.
In my situation, I thought it was better to let Krista’s brother and grandmother know that I was in an exclusive relationship before they met Julianna. It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. Even though they were both verbally supportive and were thankful that I had told them, I could sense that they didn’t understand how I could open my heart to someone else less than a year after Krista’s death. When I introduced them to Julianna a few weeks later, I could tell they were still struggling with my decision, but they were polite and welcoming. If I hadn’t had that previous conversation with them, I don’t believe the actual introduction would have gone nearly as well.
The only exception I make to this rule is when the widower has minor children living at home. When that’s the case, I think the relationship should be on solid ground before introductions are made. This, however, doesn’t give the widower license not to tell them what he’s doing. At the very least, his minor children should know that their father is dating, and he should give you a rough timeline of when introductions will happen. However, if he continually makes up excuses as to why you haven’t met his kids or keeps changing the deadline, he’s hiding you and not ready to open his heart.
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Remember that you should expect the same behavior from a widower that you would from any other man. Don’t let widowers get away with treating you like a secret. You deserve and should expect to be treated like the center of his universe.
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Red Flag #2: You Remind the Widower of His Late Wife
Three months after Krista died, I created a profile on an online dating website. Back then, online dating was relatively new, and nowhere as sophisticated as the dating apps of today. After filling out some basic information about myself, I posted a single photograph, along with a paragraph about myself and what kind of woman I was looking to date. Then I started applying the website’s filters to see who came back as compatible matches.
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Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was inputting Krista’s characteristics into the search filters, and as a result, the site was returning women who looked somewhat like Krista and had similar interests and hobbies. I didn’t do this intentionally. However, at that point in my life, Krista was the only woman I’d had a serious, long-term relationship with. We clicked on so many levels that I unconsciously figured that by putting in Krista’s interests and personality traits, I’d find someone who would be a good match. Despite the site returning dozens of “compatible” women, I never clicked with any of them when we met in person. At the time, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t connect with someone with similar looks and interests. In hindsight, I realize I wanted those women to be just like Krista and duplicate that wonderful relationship we shared.
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I tell this story because when widowers start dating, their frame of reference for what makes a compatible or desirable partner is based on the looks, personality, and interests of the late wife. They think that finding someone who looks familiar and acts similarly to the late wife will heal their heart. (I recommend that widowers date several different women when they re-enter the dating waters so they’ll get exposed to a diverse set of women with different personalities and interests.) I was initially attracted to Jennifer because she was very similar to Krista. Like Krista, Jennifer was tall, blonde, creative, and had an outgoing personality. We even matched up perfectly in the political and faith aspects of our lives. That alone brought me a level of comfort and familiarity that made it an easy decision to let the relationship become more serious.
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The fact that you have similar looks or personality to the late wife isn’t a red flag by itself. You should become concerned if the widower tries to mold you and your relationship into a replica of the one he shared with his late wife. Fortunately, this is an easy red flag to identify. The four most common things widowers who are looking to reconstruct their relationship with their late wife will do are:
Verbally compare the two of you. This is usually done through subtle hints about the way the late wife did things and how much he enjoyed them.
Constantly point out physical characteristics that you and the late wife share.
Ask you to dress in the late wife’s clothes and/or behave like her while you’re out on a date or in the bedroom.
Constantly take you to the same places where he and the late wife ate, vacationed, and frequented while refusing to try new things with you.
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If all this sounds creepy, it is. If you find yourself dating a widower who exhibits one or more of these traits, note that healthy boundaries or better communication won’t fix this. He’s trying to re-create a part of his life that is gone forever by obliterating your unique personality and identity. He will never love you for who you are—only for who he thinks you can be. The best thing you can do if you find yourself in this kind of relationship is to end it immediately. In order for a relationship with a widower to grow and thrive, he has to love the new woman for who she is—not who he wants her to be. It’s a lesson I didn’t learn until I fell in love with Julianna.